2021.10.23 04:46 New_Confusion3393 I think I may have fucked up with my life somewhere down the road, I just don't know where.
I know that if you compare my story with someone else's, mine will sound shallow and dumb. That maybe I'm just a selfish person that is just lazy or doesn't have any sense of discipline. Maybe that's it. But I don't really think that's it. I think I fucked up somewhere, maybe it was my parents, maybe something I did as a child, maybe my teen years, maybe 2 years ago, I don't know. I just felt very sad and really lost tonight. I just want to tell my story, Knowing my luck, no one will ever read this. But here it goes.
My parents got divorced when I was 1 year old. I stayed with my mother and my father remarried, but I still saw my father plenty of times. That was the first change.
I look back at those early years and I don't really remember much. My mother says I cried a lot when my father left and it was really rough for her.
Then, at 4 years old, my siblings were born, one girl and one boy, one from my mother, one from my dad's new wife, the same father, only months apart.
Once my sister was born, I really think she saved me. We played together, we watched TV together, we ate together, she was there with me at all times. She was my best friend. I loved her with all my heart.
And my brother, I loved him too, but I only saw him on weekdays. He wasn't a half brother as people would often call us, he was just my brother brother.
During my childhood, I guess those were my prime days. The days when I was at my best and I was happy.
School had always been easy for me, straight As, math whiz, "smart" kid. My mom, dad, and teachers were really proud of me. I think that was a bad thing they made me believe. "You're the smartest." "Great job." "You're the best." School isn't being smart. It's just memorizing things. It's not real life. It's a fantasy that made me believe that by getting good grades and being good at math, I was set up for life. I never truly even liked math.
I was happy at school, I had friends, I tried to talk to everyone, some kids where assholes, but I don't really remember any sort of bullying at school. Looking back, I was quite the extrovert as a child. But everything changed when one kid started bullying me at our gated community. I was real fat, yeah. But it never bothered me until that kid started making fun of me. And still, he wasn't bigger than me, he was a younger twig I could have beat up easily, but I was a kind child. Looking back at it, maybe that's when I started to dislike change.
After that, I didn't want to go out anymore. I started spending the afternoons at the family computer, discovering YouTube and watching cartoons in there. It was the trigger that made me turn into an introvert and a recluse. It was the second change.
Early teens started, still real fat. At home, I didn't go out and play anymore. But at school, I still had friends. Sometimes the fat comments would surface in there too, but I don't remember it escalating into anything major.
Now the clicks started showing up, and I was with the geeks/nerds, not the "cool kids." But that didn't really bother me at the time. I had friends, we hung out sometimes on our homes and played videogames.
During that time, I never really had a problem with talking to girls. I went out of my way and talk to my female classmates. I liked girls, but at that point, they were just kid crushes. Until her.
I had known all of my classmates for nearly 6 years. And then there was this new girl that arrived on the last year of primary school, I actually started liking her. She was new, she was special. That was the third change.
I befriended her just as all the other boys did, she was new, every boy kind of liked her, at least some of them. Then I kind of confessed to her, by an email. We used to chat through the email the school gave us.
She told me that she liked me too. We chatted on the afternoons through that email. It made me happy. But of course, looking back at it, I think she was just trying to be nice to the fat kid she befriended on her first year at that school. I think that was the first time I started doubting myself.
And in the end, I didn't really find out. The reason being, the family was moving to another part of the country. I had to leave everything behind because my mother decided we where moving.
She had a new rich boyfriend who could make her dream of living on a vacation destination true, so we moved. I left all my friends behind, my home and school for the past 8 years, the only city I had ever known, my mother's side of the family, my father and my brother, my father's side of the family, and the one girl I thought I loved. That was the fourth change.
Life there was different, tropical, rainy, sweatier. Looking back at it, I may have been depressed at the age of 13. Hah. The number for bad luck. That's fitting.
At home, I spend more time alone, our house was way, way bigger. That was when my sister started isolating too. She was sad too. The change affected us really bad for a while. But that was when she started liking to be alone. I think that was when my relationship with my sister as "best friends" really took a big hit.
My mother spent more time with her boyfriend, they went out with friends, left us with a cleaning lady that lived in our house to aid us. She still took care of us, it wasn't child neglect. The commutes were just too long over in that city, we didn't get along with the boyfriend that well, and we just kind of preferred staying at home to do our own stuff rather than go to the only one Costco nearly an hour away.
I tried to stay in touch with my best friend and the girl I liked through Facebook and email. But not being there wasn't the same. I tried, they tried, but I just stopped looking for them. In my mind, they were gone, somewhere far far away. That was the first set of friends I left behind and just lost all contact with.
School there was different. Private. "The best school around." Real expensive, but in a small public school campus. Shitty desks, shitty pcs, a non existent pool that they had gathered funds from the parents from but never built. A real shady place that had no right to charge that amount of money. But well. It was the only school around, unless we wanted to drive 2 hours away each morning.
It was a weird school. A place full of kids from all around, most Mexicans, some Italians, one French, one random American that enrolled for half a semester and then went away, etc. The school was inside a massive gated mini city. A place where parents who wanted to live in a vacation land could leave the children at school and be safe.
Kids would go to school on bicycles, leave on bicycles, hang around after school, go to a pool, go to a tennis court, go to a restaurant. They had a lot of independence here. And for a city boy like me, who had always been taken everywhere by my mother, it was really tough to adapt to.
My sister eventually did and became like them. She actually started loving the place, the school, and her new friends. I on the other hand, didn't adapt that well.
It was a small classroom, 12 or so kids. The first day I actually cried in front of two nice girls that tried to welcome me and invite me to play basketball at sports class.
I became the weird kid. The director actually called my mother to tell her "What's wrong with him, he's always sad."
I started going to therapy. I had gone before as a child, I think too much energy or something like that, but now it was just plain being sad and trouble adapting to the new place.
It took a while, but I started adapting, I rode a bicycle to school, I made friends, the weird geeky click again. But since it was a really small classroom, while we didn't hang out together, they were all kind with each other and they all knew each other really well. It was a nice classroom. But everyone had known each other for nearly all their lives. Essentially, they had what I had just lost. I was adapting, but I still felt a longing for what I had lost.
During that time, I started playing more videogames, maybe to escape the sadness. At that point, it was not quite an addiction, just a child with too much free time who really enjoyed playing videogames. The computer too, I really enjoyed watching Youtube and cartoons.
School was the same, eventually I did good again. Just one class with that one asshole physics professor that's way too mad at his life and takes it out on innocent kids with extremely hard math and homework that took hours upon hours of the day. I was good at math, believe me, he was just an asshole for the sake of being an asshole. He was the first guy to ever fail me at a class. Everyone hated him and his class.
At one point, I became friends with this one boy and this one girl, we talked constantly on class and on Facebook during the afternoons. But he was kind friends with the "cooler guys" that didn't take school seriously. So after a while, I decided to hang out less with the boy. A bad choice, he kind of took it the wrong way and started resenting me. Then the group kind of dissipated, I still was friendly with the girl, but we talked no more on the afternoons.
During that time, I only saw my father and brother on vacations. I had gone from seeing them nearly all weekends to only for two periods of time in a whole year. Summers and Christmas. He was mad at my mother. He stopped sending the child support money. She sued. And I suffered.
I was the bridge. Call your dad and tell him this. Go tell your mother this. Ask him for money. Money, money, money, money. It was always the money. I get it. You need the money. He doesn't want to send it. But figure it out between the two of you. I was just a kid trying to deal with a life changing event. From that point onwards and until this day, I was stuck between the two of them and their infinite struggle over child support money. It'll only end once I leave home and live by myself.
One year into the new home and high school and a new boy arrived. He became my best friend. A real geek too, loved videogames, from a place near where I was from, his mother too forced him to move to this weird place, we clicked fast. Our group hung out most weekends and played videogames. It felt familiar hanging with friends and playing videogames, I was happy.
But I still resented the place, the change, and wished to be back "home." Little did I know, home was not there anymore. But that was still a year away.
Third year on the new place. I think I was 15 now. Suddenly, a new, cheaper school was founded 30 minutes away. The price was worth the daily commute, and off we go to a new high school, just as I was adapting to the last one.
The school wasn't that bad actually. The class mates were fun, still a small classroom, nice people. Actual nice place worth the money they were charging. But turns out, nearly all of my classroom came from another school, like the whole generation just transferred to this one, all together. It was a weird thing too, they had another classmate that kind of took my place at the other school. Like, they switched us up.
I made friends there, actually made a really good guy friend. But at some point, I guess he wanted to hang with the "cool girls", and he pushed me away by becoming kind of an asshole towards me. I made more good friends though. It was a nice school.
But before ending that, I have to go back to my home there. I still lived on the same place my friends from the last school lived. And I still hung out with them. But over time, I felt out of place. I missed out on things that had happened at school. I felt like they had replaced me with that one other guy I had replaced. And my friends, well they were changing too.
They starting hanging out with girls from that school. I knew them too, they were once my classmates. It was kind of merging two friend groups. But since I wasn't with them at school, it just didn't feel natural too me.
By that point I had adopted an instant rejection to change, which had mostly hurt me during my life.
They were good people, all of them. My friends, the girls. I just stopped accepting their invitations, writing to them, or looking for them. Even though I lived 10 minutes away from the one I called my best friend.
During that time, at some point, I developed germaphobia, so yay, add fucking fear of germs and constant soap using to the list.
But coming back to the new school, I had my new friends. But past me had made a decision, I told my parents, I want to go back "home" and live with my father.
So last year I school, I know this for a while now. And maybe I panicked or wanted to leave some trace of me behind. Anyways, I told my friend that I liked her, through a fudging note this time... She told me that she did as well. But still, truly doubt it because probably she just wanted to not make a friend feel bad just as he's about to leave.
Actually, I don't really know if I really liked her. After that, everyone caught wind of it. Classmates and even my family made fun of me because she wasn't really pretty they said. I really thought she was though, not that it matters. It made me doubt myself. Like really doubt myself, what I thought, and what I did.
But anyways, my last summer there came. I visited my friends and said my last goodbyes. I left my mother and sister, and off I go to live with my father, his wife, and my brother.
The same thing happened with both sets of friends, I lost touch, in a year I stopped talking with all of them.
Life with my father was at first good. I spent a lot of time with him, we bonded. Same thing with my brother. We played games on the afternoons, watched tv, talked about things. What I once had with my sister but lost to the tropical home.
With the wife though, it was always spotty. She always pinned my father against me. But that comes after.
School there was rough at first. 16 years old, second year of high school. Somehow, when enrolling to a new school, I always found myself in a situation where the clicks of friends had already formed and I felt out of place, all alone.
I sat alone and talk to no one for nearly a month. Then this guy, who eventually became my best friend there, started talking to me. The thing about an extrovert adopting an introvert happened there. He was really good at talking to people, and through him, I started making friends.
I made lots of friends there. There were actually some acquaintances from primary school back when I lived there (Not that any of them were or became my friends, but it was nice to see familiar faces at a new place.)
Friends joined the group, some left the group, then the group dissipated, then I bonded with another group. But here was where individual friendships formed. It didn't matter if I had another group friend, there were always other friends I could hang out with. I was part of the "guys" and the "geek guys".
Sadly, three years later, now all in separate universities, I stopped talking to them. Same as with my other past friends.
There was this one girl I liked, but now I was a real shy person and she was part of the "cool kids". So nothing came out of that, she would've never liked me. She was just nice with everyone.
During this time, I thought I liked life at my new home. My father and my brother were cool. But the wife's control over my father was a real buzzkill. And we often clashed. So I often ended in my room, watching Youtube or Netflix on the computer while doing homework.
Somehow, I managed to lose weight here. Like lots, I went from the fat kid, to "Hey, you're looking really skinny. Let's take you to the doctor just in case." I didn't exercise. So it was real weird.
High school ended, I had to pick a career and a university. I had real trouble with that. I hadn't thought about it until the last two semesters. Picked the closest thing that would lead me to a concept art career, I always liked to draw and the one university that supposedly had the best program. More on that later...
I tried to take a sabbatical to figure things out, but my father didn't let me. Though, three years later, he let my sister take a sabbatical to figure things out... Thanks.
And then came the day of reckoning, many fights and situations that left me wanting to leave my father's home. Not because of him, because of the wife. They ended up divorcing too later on.
The lucky thing, my mother was coming back. She wanted my sister to study high school over here. Partly because schools were better here and because she was getting too uncontrollable over there. The teens over there were too wild, too free, to independent.
University was kind of lonely at first. After a year, I had a group of friends. And of course, I'd fallen for another girl. But of course, through another friend, years later, when my friendship to her ended, he told me that she was into this other guy at the time. So, yeah, another fail. At least this time I didn't go tell her I liked her. Though others say it was obvious.
Anyways, I thought it would be the same as before, but when I moved back with them, I was now an 18 year old in university. And they both had really changed.
My sister was happy to live with me again but quickly brushed me away because I'm too energetic, clingy, and talkative. Every time I tried to talk to her, she gets mad and sends me away. She's kind sometimes, but we're not as close as when we were children.
My mother, I don't know, we had always fought and shouted, but I think me being an adult worsened things. Maybe I reminded her of her bad father or bad older brother. But she expected more of me, at any point, she would tell me to get a job.
For the record I did. My first job, a student job yeah, but I was happy and good at it. I even got promoted two times. But then, mother started working at a company and told me to leave it, so that I can help out with the house. And of course, after 3 months, she resented me for leaving the job.
Anyways, just when I left, school started getting tougher. I would've had to leave the job either way.
I think living with my mother and fighting all the time was what made me eat so much. I just remembered my childhood and early teens with rose lenses. Anyways, slowly but surely, I was getting fat again.
At some point, university started to suck the life and motivation out of me. Now I just want it to end. On another universe, I would've dropped out, but only two more semesters to go. I'm told I need the title to get a work visa on another country.
And supposedly the best art university in the city. Yeah, the best technically, but man, is it a bad university. High prices, bad non qualified teachers, an outdated study program, among other things.
Then coronavirus happened, it just isolated me more. I stopped seeing my university friends but still talk to them online. I got addicted to videogames, I no longer play and have fun, I play to distract myself. Days are the same. I try to work on projects of mine only to end up dropping them.
I want stuff out of life. I have dreams, I have goals. I set plans. I'm just not good at following through.
I feel stuck on the past. I feel left behind. My siblings are getting older and better at adulting that I am.
Once I finish university and get my title, I don't know what's next. I'm supposed to have a portfolio to have the chance at landing a hob and I ain't got shit. Only bad university projects that were forced onto our hands.
I could start by moving back with my father, now that he's divorced. Asking him for a part time job in the family business and spend the afternoons home working on building a portfolio, look for remote freelance opportunities, and save enough money to even start dreaming about moving to another country.
There's a dream, there's a planner, but I'm stuck on autopilot without any drive or real control.
I feel like a failure. I truly wonder where things went wrong.
submitted by New_Confusion3393 to Vent [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:46 pixelmir Hvor finner jeg gode sokker?
Sokkeskuffen min har blitt et sort kaoshull av sokker i forskjellige typer, materialer og filleprosent. Nå gidder jeg faen meg ikke å grave i 5 min hver morra før hanen gryr for å finne meg et par uten hull. Skal pælme alle 5kg med dritt i søpla og kjøpe alt nytt!
Hvem kan fortelle meg hvor jeg kan kjøpe vanlige svarte sokker, som ikke går i oppløsning etter første vask?
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2021.10.23 04:45 tokenmaker1111 Tweet by TokenMaker#7810
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2021.10.23 04:45 yetanotherpenguin [Omega] Mid life crisis over Copenhagen.
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2021.10.23 04:45 Choice-Budget4492 Reminder to all queens that October is the month were scroties dress up and harass woman
October should be known as "rape month" because its when all of the scrotes are full predator mode and try to rape all the women.
submitted by Choice-Budget4492 to FemaleDatingStratPros [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 Stock-Stream Aditya Birla Sun Life Nifty IT ETF
2021.10.23 04:45 mulekesafado69 Fui de férias para Bélgica e Holanda, agora odeio carros
Fui passar 1 semana na Bélgica e Holanda, não precisei de pegar num carro uma única vez porque dá para ir para todo o lado a pé, de bicicleta, de comboio, tram, onibus ou metro... e o melhor é que eu conseguia andar descansado nas cidades sem medo de ser atropelado! As ruas lá são das pessoas e não dos carros, especialmente no centro das cidades e é muito agradável!
Dessa semana estive 3 dias em Amsterdão, andei sempre de bicicleta, é tão bom poder andar a explorar uma cidade lindíssima calmamente, podendo parar quando quiser, sem o barulho das buzinas e dos motores e fazendo exercício. Os carros lá são muito menos e têm pouca prioridade face aos outros meios de locomoção. Perdi quase 3kg e tenho as pernas bastante musculadas!
Mal voltei a Portugal tive de aturar a merda dos carros outra vez, quase fui atropelado. As cidades aqui são barulhentas e não dá para passear descansado... e o pior é a mentalidade das pessoas! Aqui as pessoas não conseguem imaginar o que é a vida sem carro e acham que é o fim do mundo quando eu sugiro bloquear a entrada de carros nas cidades com bons transportes públicos. Querem outro exemplo da mentalidade? Quando eu vendi o meu carro porque moro no centro da cidade e não preciso, a minha mãe disse que assim eu não vou arranjar namorada porque "o carro é a pila de um homem" (palavras dela!), e ela ainda insistiu com essa ideia algumas vezes apesar de eu ter argumentado sempre que é uma noção estúpida como o caralho, e que eu não ligo a carros e que é um péssimo investimento.
Eu adoro velocidade, eu adoro andar em máquinas rápidas e puxar pelos seus motores mas puta que pariu se eu não trocava esse pequeno prazer pelo "luxo" de poder caminhar nas ruas tranquilamente. Depois de vocês verem o quanto os carros dominam as nossas vidas e que não precisa de ser assim, nunca mais vão "desver".
Fiz esta gravação, vejam só o quão relaxante é: https://gfycat.com/offensivewastefulitaliangreyhound
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2021.10.23 04:45 doandroidscountsheep Schnitzophrenic
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2021.10.23 04:45 2PStart Any oddly specific book recommendations?
Does anyone have any good recommendations for book/book series that are in par with the type of comedy or main character of the series The Unconventional Heroes by L. G. Estrella, Everybody loves large chests by Neven Iliev, The Supervillainy Saga by C. T. Phipps or Dungeon Crawler Carl by Matt Dinniman? I'm trying to aim to get book in this type of styles and waky bizzare worlds but interesting characters. Any suggestions?
submitted by 2PStart to whattoreadwhen [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 Yivoe Promise of Loyalty vs Shroud
2021.10.23 04:45 WeeeeeeW0oooooo “How did that get in there” - Alec Baldwin
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2021.10.23 04:45 KTitania Grand Theft Auto: The Trilogy – The Definitive Edition Trailer
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2021.10.23 04:45 ksusha_lav Are the words 'preschool' and 'day care' common and used in the UK?
Just a quick question, and I would really appreciate your thoughts and experience. I've heard a few confusing opinions and that's why I'm wondering if the words 'preschool' and 'day care' are actually common and used sometimes, and if yes then when?
submitted by ksusha_lav to AskUK [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 InternAccomplished93 Let The Fomo Begin🚀🤑Floki Fomo🐕🦺 just launched 🚀and embarking on a Viral Journey across all major social media platforms to build the largest community in all of DeFi! Join the Floki Fomo Fam on our journey to the Moon! Floki Fomo will be the next Viral Sensation in the Crypto and DeFi Space!
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submitted by InternAccomplished93 to ico [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 D3liverat0r Mineralnye Vody 2021 Airshow ● Today at 17:00 GMT
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2021.10.23 04:45 MichaelWong1221 Baby
2021.10.23 04:45 Teemakinde Develop my programming skills
I just started using Laravel last year and I want to be a better programmer.
I have been able to lay my hands on several personal projects.
I am willing to contribute to open source project so as to develop my skills. But my problem is how to get the open source project to work on ?
submitted by Teemakinde to laraveltutorials [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 No_Engineering8529 I made a vector illustration of RDJ. Hope you guys like it! ❤️
2021.10.23 04:45 MattRobTav The Struggle a Year Later
This isn't the first time I've written something like this on here. Hell, who knows if this'll be the last. It's been almost about a year and half since my heart was broken. There are many cliche things I could say about her; that she was the love of my life and I couldn't imagine my life without her. We weren't even together that long, but something deep in my soul told me that it was right. When we broke up, I did all the things they tell you not to do when you have such raw emotion festering within. I called and texted her nonstop, became obsessive, and ultimately pushed her away for good. And while my emotions have simmered after such a long time, I still get this heavy feeling of dread and guilt rise up within me anytime I think of her. This isn't the first time I've felt heartbroken, but I know I loved this girl based on this feeling alone. This feeling that I still can't shake a year later. I miss her dearly.
(Trigger Warning: Suicidal Ideation, Depression, Anxiety)
After we broke up I decided to go to therapy. It was something that I thought about doing even before we split. It took more courage then I expected. It did help in the end, but a month after my last session I still attempted to commit suicide. It didn't add up. How could a single person make me want to end it all? Just as I thought, how could one person convince me otherwise? I then realized all depressive episodes I had in the past and still have to this day can usually be led to this fixation that if I'm not sharing my happiness with someone else, then what is this point? Loneliness has been a constant in my life. I've always out of place. In my home, at school, even in the handful of relationships I was in before I met her. So when I finally met someone that I could genuinely mesh with and call a friend, of course my depression and anxiety will skyrocket when it's jeopardized.
Yes, I miss the person, but perhaps it's the idea I miss the most. The idea that someone can come into my life and not immediately look through me. I want someone to look AT Me. I miss connection... and she gave me that. I hope someday I can feel that again.
I apologize for such a long rant. I'm high and couldn't stop thinking.
submitted by MattRobTav to BreakUps [link] [comments]
2021.10.23 04:45 Niafron Roué de coups en plein Paris, ses agresseurs lancent : «Sale négro, tu ne devrais pas draguer une fille blanche»
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2021.10.23 04:45 PsychologicalAd5239 Would you kill me if I payed you to?
2021.10.23 04:45 Zacaroniii_ strawberry crepe cookie
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2021.10.23 04:45 Indra_Uch1ha The screenshot to the issue
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2021.10.23 04:45 geekygirl27o Oct 23 (10/23) Pink QR Code
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2021.10.23 04:45 Adventurous-Ad-2170 It's my friend's birthday today. Please wish him happy birthday.